


Ultimate University for Mildly Talented Young Adults

by Oatsotas



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 15:23:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12656208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oatsotas/pseuds/Oatsotas
Summary: Shuichi Saihara doesn't want much out of life. He wants his degree, he wants to get out of his lease, and he wants a stable relationship. But real life doesn't work just how you want, now does it? So let's follow Shuichi as he attempts to navigate the sometimes tricky world of young adulthood.Also, why the hell are there talking bears walking around campus?





	1. Syllabus Day is the Only Good Day in University

The TV in Shuichi's apartment has always confounded him. It works whenever Kaito wants to watch his stupid space movies, but decides to get all fuzzy and plant a big red square in the top right corner whenever Shuichi wants to watch reruns of  _ Sherlock _ . 

"Gyuh…" he growls, jamming the power button and then throwing the remote on the raggedy armchair next to him. He plops down on the equally raggedy, mismatched couch.

"Beer incoming!" shouts a voice from the kitchen.

Shuichi looks up just in time to see a can of beer flying through the air in his direction. He reaches his arm up and manages to catch it by the tips of his fingers.

"Kaito incoming!" shouts the same voice.

"What, Kaito, don't!" Shuichi barely gets a word in before he sees Kaito's entire body flying towards him. 

He lands directly on the couch, head right on Shuichi's lap. "Hey, babycakes," he says with a snooty grin.

"Get off me," Shuichi grumbles. He lifts Kaito's head off him. "And stop jumping on the couch, you're gonna break it. Again."

Cracking open his beer, Kaito scoffs. "C'mon man, been doing that this whole we had this apartment and this one hasn't cracked yet."

"Oh really? What about the last  _ two  _ you've broken?"

"I said  _ this  _ one hasn't cracked yet! Pay attention, man! What do you spend all those time reading detective novels for?" Kaito laughs and takes a hearty swig.

Shuichi opens his own beer and sips it casually. He and Kaito have been roommates for two years now and somehow Shuichi still isn't used to Kaito's antics. Well, it's better than rooming with Kokichi, for whatever that's worth.

Kaito lifts his beer in a mock cheer. "You excited for classes to start tomorrow?"

Shuichi nods. "Yeah, be nice to get back into a rhythm, you know?"

"I hear that. And besides, you know what else a new semester means!"

"I do?"

"Yep!" He leans in close to Shuichi, tugging him close. He pans his beer hand out as if he's gesturing to an entire galaxy. Knowing Kaito, he probably is - in his head, at least. "New semester! New girls!"

Shuichi groans. "Is that all you ever think about?"

"Don't look at me like that. It's only natural for us guys, in the prime of our lives, to be looking out for girls!" Sometimes, Shuichi gets really tired of the shit-eating grin that seems eternally carved on Kaito's face. It makes it really punchable.

"Should I tell Maki that you're, what'd you say, 'looking out' for other girls?" Shuichi asks, a little too innocently.

Immediately blanching, Kaito reaches into his pocket and grabs his phone. He examines in frantically for a few minutes before setting it on the end table and breathing a sigh of relief. "Whew," he breathes, then scowls at Shuichi. "You gotta be careful what you say, man. You never know when she could be listening."

Now it's Shuichi's turn to smile. "Says the guy who's always going on about how believing and trusting each other is the cornerstone of good relationships."

"I believe that I can trust she'll kick my ass if I ever even thought of cheating on her." Kaito suddenly stands up and stretches his arms, which barely miss touching the low ceiling. "But this isn't about me." He jabs his finger at Shuichi, sloshing some beer on the shaggy carpet as he does so. "This is about getting you a girlfriend."

"And what if I don't want a girlfriend?" Shuichi counters.

Kaito outright laughs at that. Rude. "You can't lie to me about that, man. I see it in your heart!"

"My heart? Really?"

A suspicious smirk plays on Kaito's lips. He raises his eyebrows. "I also might have, possibly, read them in your diary. Maybe." He looks at Shuichi, waggling his eyebrows.

"YOU DID WHAT?" Shuichi yells, lunging after Kaito, who runs away cackling with glee. "Kaito! Kaito you asshole, get back here!"

The two, fully grown, voting, real-life decision making, twenty-one year old men (boys?) chase each other around the cramped apartment, one of them howling with laughter, the other looking like he's about to strangle the former. Kaito knocks over a lamp which miraculously doesn't break and Shuichi only barely avoids bruising his hip when he slams it into their dining room table.

They end up across said table, breathing hard. Well, Shuichi is breathing hard. Kaito's just smugly stroking the pitiful patch of hair on his chin that he calls a beard.

"Kaito," Shuichi hisses. He moves around one side of the table.

Mirroring Shuichi's movements, Kaito winks. "What's the matter? Upset?"

"Did you really read my  _ journal _ ?" Shuichi has a journal. A feelings journal. It's not a diary. That's difference. This was recommended to him by his therapist. That means it's not a diary. It's not a god damned diary, okay?!

"Maaaayyyyyyybbbbbbeeeee," Kaito drawls, slurping his beer - half of which is currently on various spots of the floor -  and waggling his eyebrows again. Kaito has a thing for waggling, you see.

Shuichi searches Kaito's face. There it is. He licked his teeth. That's his tell. He still hasn't figured out he has one. Still wonders why Shuichi cleans him whenever they have poker nights. Relaxing, Shuichi says, "You didn't. You're getting me worked up for nothing."

Kaito opens his mouth like he's about to continue the charade but then busts into an easy laugh. "You got me, Holmes. Take me away and lock me up!" He holds his arms out.

Shuichi pushes them away but he's trying to fight a smile. "I'm not helping you engage in your fetishes of being locked up."

"Woah man, careful, Maki might get ideas," Kaito says, waggling his eyebrows yet again. Damn Kaito, stop waggling there are children present.

Apparently Shuichi agrees with the narrator that's not  _ supposed to be here, go away.  _ "Stop wiggling your eyebrows at me."

Kaito falls into the armchair. "I'm not wiggling, I'm waggling." He shakes, or, uh, "waggles," his torso in a manner one could call either sexy or disturbing. "Wiggle waggle with me, Shuichi!"

"Hey!" comes a piercing voice from upstairs. "What the fuck are we waggling and why the fuck am I not invited?" Miu Iruma descends the stairs dressed only in a towel. Well two towels, but one's in her hair which doesn't really need to be censored. Unless you're really into hair. Which would be weird. Point is, her towel is way too small and if she bends either way someone's getting an eyeful.

Shuichi and Kaito have been roommates for two years, but only lived in their current place for a few months - since the previous semester. They got kicked out of their last apartment because the landlord's room happened to be directly beneath Kaito's. Which meant he could hear all of the "activities" that Kaito and Maki engaged in. The poor sap was so disturbed (and reminded of his crippling loneliness after his third wife and second mail-order bride left him for another woman. Again.) that he ended the lease immediately.

He then proceeded to kick Shuichi, Kaito, and Kaito's to-scale replica of the International Space Station - which, by the way, is on the lease as a co-signer, don't ask -  to the curb. Their only reasonable option on such short notice was to move in with Miu. Who happens to have a thing for anything that moves and most things that don't. The last person to live with her actually holds the world record for the largest restraining order ever given in human history.

Coincidentally, said record holder now lives on the International Space Station.

"Hey, uh, Miu, you forgot the rest of your fucking clothes," Kaito says, ducking his head pointedly.

Miu growls quietly. "You're just mad cause I got better tits than the pancakes your little whore has."

"What'd you call, Maki Roll?!" Kaito roars.

"Uh… uh nothing! N-nothing… just, don't hurt me… too bad." Miu dashes upstairs. She says something that Shuichi faintly thinks he hears as "Kersploosh!" Nope, not touching that one.

Shaking his head, Shuichi lies down on the touch and upends the rest of his beer down his throat. Just a few more months, then they can move away from the crazy that is Miu.

"Psst, Shuichi," Kaito whispers conspiratorially. "If all else fails, I'm almost two-hundred percent certain that Miu will always be single."

"If I ever reach that level of desperation, please kill me," Shuichi responds.

Kaito just laughs (even though he's not supposed to even humor Shuichi's death jokes) and turns on the TV. The end credits for  _ Sherlock  _ scroll by in crystal clear quality and the tagline on the bottom reads "Coming Up Next:  _ Cosmos _ ."

"Damn it all."

 

************************************

 

The first day of classes passes by rather uneventfully. Shuichi's Criminal Law class might give him some trouble but that's just because the professor is a known hard ass. Also he's a tough professor. Rumor is that if you punch his ass, it's so hard that your arm will break. Shuichi likely won't test that rumor, but who knows? It is college after all.

He has three of his five classes today and he's on his way to the last one, a music class that he's taking because… well… you see it's because… okay why exactly is the Criminal Justice major Shuichi Saihara taking a music class?

… 

… 

…

Shuichi Saihara is taking a music class because it's his last general education credit that he's required to take. His uncle was a piano player, so Shuichi figured that maybe he'd take intro and see if he picked up any of his uncle's talent. 

He glances at the room number and opens the door. It's… definitely a music classroom, as far as he knows. Soundproofed walls, posters about the basics of music, posters of famous pianists, the works. The chairs are arranged in a semicircle around a conductor's stand.

Crisp, feminine handwriting is on the whiteboard at the front of the room. "Please place your packs at the back of the room. Sit wherever there is space!"

Because Shuichi is an obedient little bitch…

… 

Because Shuichi is a good student who follow instructions clearly set out by either a professor or a TA, he drops his backpack off at the back of the room by a series of tall cabinets. He quickly surveys the room. Great. He got there at the exactly wrong time. The room is just full enough that everyone's taken all the seats not immediately next to people they don't know, but it isn't quite full enough to not be awkward about asking someone to sit next to them. And Shuichi is the king of awkward. And social anxiety.

He sucks in a deep breath. Remembers what his therapist told him.  _ They're not going to hurt you. Most are in the same situation as you.  _ Finding his courage somewhere in his left lung (who put it there, of all places?) he walks up to a girl with long, twirling pigtails held by a pinwheel style bow.

"E-excuse me," he says as politely as he can. "Do you m-mind if I sit next to you."

Unfortunately for Shuichi, the person he asked was Tenko Chabashira. Tenko "I Fervently Believe All Men Are Degenerates" Chabashira. She fixes him with an expression that is simultaneously terrifying and hilarious. "Ask me that again only if you wanna die, filthy male."

"S-sorry to bother you!" Shuichi squeaks, moving away from that can of batshit as quickly as possible. Oh shush, she'll get more character development later, you degenerates.

After taking a good thirty seconds to just  _ breathe _ , Shuichi decides to try his luck with the friendly looking boy fiddling with some sort of computer hard drive. "H-hello," Shuichi says, waving lightly to get the boy's attention.

The boy, startled, looks up, eyes wide. They're an icy blue and his hair is a rather… unusual shade of white. "Oh, my apologies, I didn't see you."

"I-it's no problem," Shuichi says. "Do you… ehem. Do you mind if I sit here?" He gestures to the seat next to the boy.

"Not at all!" the boy responds, smiling. "My name is Keebo Idabashi, by the way."

"Shuichi Saihara."

Keebo nods before going back to working on… whatever it is he's working on. A part of Shuichi wants to continue the conversation, but it was hard enough just trying to talk to someone else after Tenko's little… tantrum.

About ten minutes go by and Shuichi passes the time by watching students file in. Most look pretty average by his measure, though a few he finds are quite, uh, noticeable, for lack of a better term. 

There's one boy who desperately needs a sandwich. And a fashion class entirely on how not to look as unsettling as possible. A hat, face-mask, militaristic clothes,  _ and  _ bandages on his hands? Now that's just weird. 

One of the girls looks like she'd rather be doing literally anything else. Okay, maybe just sleeping, but even that might be too much effort for her. She's also wearing a witch's hat and pointy shoes. Because reasons, obviously. Tenko seems enamored by her, at least, so maybe it'll distract her from picking on Shuichi.

By the time class rolls around there's no empty seats. By Shuichi's count there's twenty or so students in the class. Fortunately, they're spread out enough that he doesn't feel cramped. Unfortunately, Creeper McStalkerface has decided to sit directly across from Shuichi in the semicircle and is staring  _ directly  _ at him. Creeper tips his hat at Shuichi who immediately looks to the front of the classroom and hopes that wasn't a signal that he's about to be murdered by evil spirits.

_ Why did I take this class again  _ Shuichi wonders silently, biting his cheek. He took because of stupid elective requirements, if you forgot.

However, all of those thoughts… all one of them… immediately leave his head when the conductor takes her stand. 

She's a whirlwind. Golden hair glitters in the afternoon sunlight. It's practically angel's hair. Like the pasta. That metaphor got away… Anyway, she's dressed in a rather fitting manner. A lavender vest over a white shirt with an orange tie tucked neatly into it. Music bars and notes coat her velvety purple skirt. Mauve eyes peer at the class with an optimism that Shuichi hasn't seen nor felt in quite some time.

"Good afternoon, everyone!" she greets and her voice is like laughter. Light, friendly, welcoming. Shuichi can feel a lump form in his throat and his mouth dry out. She's beautiful. It's that simple. And she radiates warmth. Which could mean she's a sweaty person. Or it could mean that she's a kind soul. Shuichi doesn't mind either way.

"My name is Kaede Akamatsu and I'll be the TA teaching this class!" She turns around and writes her name on the board, handwriting matching the previous message.

Someone in the back whistles provocatively. Kaede whirls around, a blush creeping onto her face. Shuichi turns to face whoever whistled (not that he would've actually done anything, but neither would you, so shut up.) Luckily, he doesn't have to do anything since Tenko already flipped the offender into a lump that definitely requires serious medical attention but is getting ignored and had taken her seat.

"No degenerate male will make disparaging whistles at any girl while Tenko is present!" Tenko declares. There's a bit of applause from the girls and some frightened expressions and  pissed pants from the boys.

"T-thank you, uh, Tenko, was it?" Kaede says, clearly still flustered. She coughs and smooths out her skirt. "As I was saying, I'll be the main one teaching the class. I am a senior music major with a concentration in piano." She flashes that wondrous smile that already has Shuichi's heart wrapped around it. "So you could say I'm qualified to teach you all the basics!"

She claps her hands together. "So, let's get started!"

The next hour is a blur for Shuichi. Well, everything except for her is a blur. He forgets about the spooky guy sitting across from him and Tenko's threat and he doesn't even blush when his hat falls off his head and everyone stares at him! He hangs onto every word that Kaede Akamatsu - what a wonderful name, too - says and finds himself actually looking forward to learning piano.

It's not just because he gets to see her. Kaede's passion is infectious. As she covers the syllabus and what's going to happen throughout the semester, her eyes light up in excitement. Once or twice her voice almost cracks with how overwhelmed she is. To find someone who truly believes in what she's teaching, Shuichi can't believe his luck. He almost took the next section of this class to be with Kaito and Maki, but decided against it to be done with classes earlier.

Never has abandoning his friends felt so good.

"Make sure you read the introduction that's posted online for next class and I'll see you all on Wednesday!" Kaede chirps as everyone files to the back to pick up their backpacks. Or, magical equipment in the case of the sleepy girl.

Shuichi hangs back, waiting for the crowd to disperse before he goes to the back. As he waits, he watches Kaede gather her papers and place them into her own backpack. It's a bit weird. She's the same year as he is and yet she's teaching him.

Kaede looks up from her bag and catches Shuichi's eye.  _ Shit!  _ He thinks,  _ She's gonna think I'm weird for staring at her.  _ Which, to be fair, is a viable fear. Most romantic stuff is pretty unnerving when you remove the internalization to justify the blatant ogling.

However, she instead bounces over to where Shuichi's standing and fixes him with a comforting smile. "Did you need anything?"

"I - uh - I, no, no! S-sorry! I… "  _ Damn Shuichi, say something!  _ But his body doesn't listen. Instead, it decides to put  _ all  _ of its weight on his tongue so he's reminded just how few words he can get out. His stomach curls into a ball and he can feel his shirt sticking to him. Thank god he's wearing a jacket.

Kaede's expression drops to one of concern. "Are you alright? Do you need me to you get anything?"

While for most that would be a soothing statement, it just kinda freaked Shuichi out all the more. He's always been uncomfortable with people caring for him, but now this gorgeous girl who he spent all class admiring was offering to help him. He pulls his hat lower on his face, trying to block her out. Maybe then she can focus.

But she's relentless. She ducks down a bit, gets into his line of sight. "Hey… if you want me to go, I can-"

"No!" Shuichi says, louder and more forcibly than he intended. "S-sorry," he says, scratching the back of his neck. "I'm just n-not good at, uh, talking to new people."

Kaede nods and offers a sympathetic smile. "Ah, I understand. In that case, I apologize for approaching you so suddenly."

_ Ugh, stop being understanding. Stop being perfect. My heart can't take it.  _ Shuichi balls one of his hands into a fist, digging his nails into his palms.

"Um…," Kaede starts. She's twirling a strand of hair around her finger. "Forgive me if this is a weird thing to say, but I feel like I know you from somewhere."

"Huh?" Shuichi's genuinely at a loss. There's no way he'd forget someone as beautiful as Kaede. Really Shuichi? All you can focus on is her beauty? Does someone need to call Tenko?

… 

… 

Apparently verbally threatening characters is not a good thing, so… moving on!

"I know, it's weird, but I feel like I've seen you before." Kaede rests her chin between her thumb and index finger, closing her eyes in thought. After a moment, she opens them and says, "I get it!"

"Oh, um, what do you get?" Shuichi asks nervously, seriously wondering how he could have possibly missed Kaede.

"You're friends with Maki, right? Maki Harukawa?"

Shuichi nods. "Uh, yeah. Yeah I am."

"I'm her roommate!" Kaede says, as if that explains everything.

It doesn't and so Shuichi says, "I've, uh, I've never been to Maki's apartment before."

"Right, right, right! But  _ you're  _ Kaito's roommate, right? Maki's boyfriend?"

"Mmm, I am."

Smiling like she just figured out the secret to the universe or why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Kaede giggles to herself. "Maki and I were walking on campus one day and she pointed you guys out."

Huh… that makes… a boring amount of sense. Was hoping for something a bit more, uh, convoluted. Shuichi swallows and says, "Why d-didn't you guys come and say hi?"

Now it's Kaede's turn to blush. "Maki was a bit… mad… at Kaito for some reason. When I say she pointed it out, it was more like she said, 'There's my asshole boyfriend and his stupid cuck of a friend'."

_ Hurtful. Exactly like Maki. But still hurtful!  _ Shuichi muses to himself while simultaneously running through the many many many  _ many  _ ways that Kaito could've ticked Maki off. He decides to stop thinking about it before the number of ways surpasses infinity.

"What coincidence, then," Shuichi says. He's a smooth operator, folks.

"Yeah!"

Aaaaaaaand cue awkward silence! Alright, let's hear it for awkward silences! Shuichi and Kaede both look around the music hall for a few minutes, neither particularly wanting to leave, but also not being able to pick up the conversation in any meaningful way. Shuichi's also  _ painfully  _ aware that he and Kaede are now alone in the room, the rest of the class having left quite some time ago.

Well, as far as he knows he's alone. Tenko is staring at him through the window, ready to burst through and save Kaede if Shuichi wrongs her and Creeper McStalkerface is in the air vents. Again.

Finally, Kaede finds something to say. "Hey, Maki and I were gonna head out to get phở this weekend and she was thinking of inviting Kaito and a few others. Would you wanna come?"

Holy. Shit. Shuichi just got asked out. Sort of. Not really. It's a casual thing. But still. Holy. Shit. He can barely squeak out the word "Yes."

Kaede smiles and pulls out her phone, handing it to him. "Put in your number and I'll text you, m'kay?"

"Y-yeah, s-sure." Shuichi's fingers are shaking so much that he has to type in his number three separate times to get it right. And then he has to covertly wipe the screen so that Kaede doesn't notice the sweat on it. All in all it's an eight-out-of-ten effort.

Kaede doesn't notice (or ignores) what just transpired and sends a quick text. Shuichi's phone buzzes in his pocket. "Good!" Kaede says, "You didn't give me some random number!'

Shuichi chortles awkwardly. As awkward as the word "chortle." "I wouldn't do that," he says.

Sticking her tongue out playfully, Kaede replies, "I didn't think so, you seem too nice for that." She glances at her limited edition, Thug-Life Debussy watch with hemidemisemiquaver notes for hands. "I have to be across campus in a bit for my next class, but I'll see you soon, uh… Oh man, I didn't get your name!"

"Shuichi Saihara," he says with a surprising lack of hesitation.

"Shuichi Saihara," Kaede mimics, saying a couple times more. "Okay, I got it! I will see you this weekend, Shuichi Saihara!"

"And in class, too," Shuichi reminds her.

"That, too!" With that, Kaede dashes out of the room, leaving Shuichi with a frantically beating heart and a breath he didn't know he was holding.

He scoops up his backpack and checks his phone. A little message on the home screen (which is a picture of his dog, Watson) reads, "Kaede Akamatsu :)."

_ I got her number… on the first day… I didn't expect to say a word to her all semester. This isn't happening. Kaito's playing a prank on me. He has to be. There's no way this is real. I'm gonna text him. _ Shuichi thinks.

Creeper McStalkerface really wishes that Shuichi had  _ said  _ that internal monologue. Would've been much easier to record.

 

**Kaito MoBROta**

 

**[[** Kaito, you're not gonna believe what just

                                                                                                                                                                  happened. **]]**

  
  


**[[** Lay it on meh **]]**

**[[** Gimme da deets **]]**

 

**[[** This TA that's teaching my class **]]**

 

**[[** Ya **]]**

 

**[[** She talked to me after class **]]**

 

**[[** Likin it **]]**

**[[** And she invited me out this weekend! **]]**

**[[** I got her number, too! **]]**

**[[** Ayyy there it is! **]]**

**[[** Whatd i say? **]]**

**[[** New semester, bro **]]**

**[[** who isit? **]]**

**[[** Her name's Kaede **]]**

**[[** She's Maki's roommate **]]**

**[[** DUDE!@@@ **]]**

**[[** HER????? **]]**

**[[** Damnnnn shuichi, you playa **]]**

**[[** I mean… **]]**

**[[** She did most of the talking **]]**

**[[** I was kinda a potato **]]**

**[[** ah whocares **]]**

**[[** you gotta date **]]**

**[[** My litle boy allgrown up **]]**

**[[** :') **]]**

**[[** Shut **]]**

**[[** Aren't you in class anyway **]]**

**[[** Ya **]]**

**[[** y? **]]**

**[[** No reason. **]]**

**[[** I'll see ya at home **]]**

**[[** Ur gonna tell me **]]**

**[[** EVERYTING **]]**

**[[** Ya here! **]]**

**[[** I hear **]]**

 

Shuichi turns off his phone and walks out of the music building, managing to get lost only once! His head is held higher than usual and he's walking with more confidence. Such is the power of getting a date, thing, sorta, not really, it's fine.

Still, there pit in Shuichi's stomach never quite left and now he can't tell whether it's out of nerves or pride.

It's not until he's home that the reality - rather, the surreality - of the situation really hits him. A girl he finds attractive serendipitously strikes up a conversation and she also happens to be the roommate of the girlfriend of his roommate and they just  _ happened  _ to see them walking down the street one day which she somehow remembered and she thinks he's nice enough to invite on an outing, all in the span of one class! 

Man, if he didn't know any better, he'd say this was all a work of fiction. But he does know better and so he immediately dashes to his room (ignoring Miu's comments about him being in a hurry to jerk it) and begins planning for his not-date. Thing. I don't fucking know, you figure it out.

…

…

…

I've just been informed that I have been fired as the narrator of this story. Welp, now I gotta find some other way to feed my  _ three starving  _ children that my bitch of an ex-wife left me with.  _ Screw you, *****, shove it up your **** _

-Chapter Ended Due To Rampage-

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I write sad stuff. I don't do "stable, healthy relationships." So why did I write this fic? Why do I feel the need to continue this fic? Am I on drugs? Drunk? Yes? No!
> 
> In the end, this is a thing that's now written and published and will probably one day haunt me in some unpredictable way. I can't wait.


	2. Gotta Go Fast

There's an old tree on campus that is absolutely perfect for reading cheesy pulp fiction novels under. It's secluded enough so that the only people who pass by are random people walking by and stoners. Rantaro always tries to get Shuichi to join them, but Shuichi never takes him up on the offer. There is such a thing as a little  _ too  _ chillaxed, Rantaro.

Shuichi is resting with his back against the tree, paper-back open on his lap. Criminal Law textbook, notably, nowhere in sight. He'll get to that later. Sure. "Later."

High overcast keeps the area cool, but the humidity still encouraged Shuichi to take his jacket off and unbutton the top couple buttons of his shirt. Usually he'd be embarrassed by this, since his usual outfit covers up more than a nun's, but since Rantaro and the Stoner Gang have already passed by and will be occupied for a couple hours, there's very little chance Shuichi will be seen.

Unless, of course, Kokichi decides to find him. That boy can sniff out even the smallest trace of male nudity.

But remember folks, as soon as anybody so much as thinks anything like that, the exact opposite is bound to happen! See also: What could possibly go wrong?"

Shuichi leans his head back against the tree and imagines the scene in his novel in his head. Two men are meeting in a clandestine back alley to "talk about things," which, if you're a fan of pulp fiction you know, means that they're about to have rigorously euphemistic sex somehow dressed in excruciatingly convoluted metaphors. Shuichi tries not to imagine that part. There's a detective mystery somewhere underneath all the smut, he promises!

It's okay, Shuichi, most of us don't judge you for your tastes. I do, though.

… 

…

It's apparently too early in the morning for my "goddamned snark" and I should "just tell the story for christ's sake."

Fine, fine. Since Shuichi had his eyes closed and was deep in thought about the main character's massive, long pool cue that was trembling at the tip of the pocket, ready to shoot the white billard into the black eight, he didn't notice that a certain someone was on her daily run.

"Shuichi? Is that you?" Kaede says, taking out her earbud.

Not quite registering whose voice it was, Shuichi opens his eyes and is suddenly straight as an arrow. I'll leave you to figure out if I'm talking about his sexuality or his dick. Kaede is standing there in short running shorts and two sports bras overtop one another. Her hair is in a ponytail and a fine sheen of sweat covers her whole body.

"K-Kaede, hey!" he says in that awkward way only he and harem protagonists can.

"I didn't expect to see you out here!" Kaede responds in that bubbly way only she and uncomfortably large-chested harem heroines can.

Attempting to make conversation, Shuichi says, "What, uh, what are you doing here?"

Kaede giggles as she pauses her music. "What's it look like?" she asks, gesturing to her whole body.

_ Don't look, don't look, don't look, oh god Shuichi, do not look!  _ He thinks to himself as he tries to keep his glance over Kaede looking as casual as possible. He actually manages to accomplish that, eyes glued right back to her face. He is a gentleman, after all.

Wait, shit, wrong character.

"Out for a run?"

"Mmmhm!" Kaede affirms. "Decided to take a new route today. Mix it up, y'know?"

Shuichi lifts his hat up and scratches his forehead. Why, you may ask? Because his forehead itches. Duh. "E-explains why I haven't seen y-you around before."

"You're here often?"

Shuichi nods. "Uh, yeah, I-I, uh, like to read here. It's quiet."

"Makes sense," Kaede says. She leans forward and touches her toes. You can guess where Shuichi's eyes glance. She gets back up and puts her hands on her hips. For a moment, Shuichi's awestruck.

There's a discredited TED talk about the power stance. That if you stand with your hands on your hips, chest out, shoulders back, yadda yadda yadda, that you'll feel more confident and that will translate into better performance at whatever it is you're trying to do. As said before, it's discredited but for a moment, Shuichi can believe it.

Kaede looks so powerful, almost overwhelmingly so. She radiates confidence. In herself, in others. She's not meaning to smile, but her lips naturally seem to form one. Shuichi feels his heart lurch when she shakes her golden hair out of its ponytail and begins to redo it. Every movement in natural and fluid, a gentle stream of motion. Shuichi pulls his hat down and grimaces at his own clunky movements.

"By the way," Kaede says, snapping Shuichi out of his staring. Don't worry, she didn't notice. If she did, this'd be a much different story. "Are you still on for dinner tomorrow night?"

"Y-yeah! Of-of course!" A little part of his brain had been convinced all week that Kaede would text and "cancel" on him. And by "cancel," I clearly mean legitimately cancel because Kaede isn't the type of person to beat around the bush if she's not feeling up to something. That would be Shuichi's last girlfriend.

Kaede wraps her hair tie once more through her thick mane and bobs her head a couple times, getting a feel for it. "Great!" she says when she's done. "It's just gonna be you, me, Kaito, and Maki, though. My other friends had something come up."

"Th-that's too bad," Shuichi responds even though he doesn't think that's a bad thing at all. Well, a little, cause now it's basically a double date thing. And even if it isn't, Kaito will do his damndest to make sure it becomes one.

Kaede's phone buzzes and she gasps when she checks it. "Shoot!" she says. "I gotta meet Ibuki in twenty minutes for practice." She smiles at Shuichi. "I'll see you tomorrow then. Me or Maki will probably make a group chat to iron out the details, m'kay?"

"Y-yeah, sure, see you." Shuichi waves as Kaede puts her headphones back in and takes off down the street. 

Leaning back against his trusty tree friend, Shuichi lets out a big sigh and takes his hat off entirely, placing it over his face. It smells like sweat. Fabulous. Nevertheless, it's a good decompression tactic. Block out the world for a few minutes and just breathe.

Unfortunately, Shuichi has never quite learned that blocking your field of vision is never a good thing when you're the protagonist of a story. The trees leaves rustle above Shuichi's head. He doesn't think anything of it until a small boy falls out of the tree, rolls on the ground, and somehow ends up sitting right next to Shuichi.

"Heya, Roomie!" Kokichi Oma greets brightly.

_ Dear god, why me?  _ Shuichi and Kokichi had been roommates their freshman year. It was assigned, they didn't choose, because there's no way in hell anyone except Rantaro would ever choose to live with this little shit. Pranks. Every day. Glue in Shuichi's shampoo, adding ghost peppers to Shuichi's oatmeal, rigging a recording device to scream in pain every time Shuichi flushed the toilet, excessive amounts of hentai on Shuichi's computer so that when he opened in class the first thing everyone heard was "Onii-san please slide your juicy tentacle int-"

… 

… 

…

Okay, okay, I'll cool it with the sex references. Jeez.

The point still stands though, Kokichi was not a good roommate, so when Kaito offered to let Shuichi crash at his place for the second semester of the year, Shuichi gratefully took him up on the offer. Side note: Shuichi still hasn't gotten rid of that hentai.

… 

Shush! I'm moving on! "Sooooooo," Kokichi says, "Who was  _ that  _ cutie?"

"None of your business, Kokichi," a very disgruntled Shuichi says.

Kokichi gasps in "shock." "Not my business?!" He wraps his arm around Shuichi's shoulder and gets right in Shuichi's personal bubble. "My roomie could be about to make the greatest mistake of his life, it is definitely my business!"

Groaning, Shuichi says, "First off, I'm not your roommate, haven't been for years. Second, what do you mean mistake?"

Kokichi's smile turns devilish. "Don't you know? Kaede Akamatsu is like a black widow. Once she snares you, she's gonna tie you up and devour you!"

Shuichi rolls his eyes. "Whatever, Kokichi, just go bug someone else." Shuichi turns to be on his side but Kokichi just hops over him and lays down. He's lying on his stomach, legs kicking like a stereotypical young girl.

"It's true!" he says. It's definitely not true. Everyone knows that it's definitely not true if Kokichi says it's true. "I heard it from like ten reputable sources!"

"Are all of them you?"

Kokichi cackles. "Oh, roomie, you're so funny!" He scuttles closer and lays his head on Shuichi's side. Shuichi proceeds to roll away and let Kokichi's face fall into the dirt. Where it belongs. 

Now, because today is "pick on Shuichi day," he happens to roll face first into some white tennis shoes. Naturally, he looks up. Naturally, the person standing above him happens to be Tenko. Wearing a skirt.

You might expect Shuichi to jump up and scream, accidentally knock Tenko over, fall over Kokichi, and then desperately attempt to explain to Tenko that it was all a mistake and that she shouldn't kick his ass. If you were expecting that, good job, because that's exactly what happened!

"T-Tenko!" Shuichi sputters, ready to begin crying and beg for sweet mercy. "I-I'm so so  _ so  _ sorry, I-I didn't mean…"

"Shuichi," Tenko says, eerily calm. "Give me one good reason my foot should not hit your throat via your degenerate ass.

Deciding that now would be the optimum time to pop in, Kokichi says, "Ooh! I have an idea, you should tell her all the dirty things you were planning to do with Kaede!"

_ Kokichi, why?! I thought we were roomies!  _ Shuichi thinks. It's kind of impressive he can think with the deathly glare that Tenko's giving him. Like, wow, be thankful you can't see it. It's terrifying. "I-I-I w-would never!"

"What are you talking about? You said you were gonna 'really show her who's boss,' right?" Kokichi is steadily walking backwards as he speaks. There's a pair of binoculars around his neck that were, I dunno, under his scarf or something.

Tenko is silent.

"C-come on, Tenko. Y-you don't really believe K-Kokichi, do you?" Shuichi's testicles have actually inverted, he's so scared. Probably a good thing considering where Tenko likes to aim. At this point, it'd be a toss up between who's even sweatier, Shuichi or Kaede. Tragically, Shuichi is wearing a white, somewhat unbuttoned shirt. White becomes see-through when wet. A man in a see-through shirt is not a good thing when combined with an angry Tenko.

In other words, Shuichi is absolutely screwed.

Tenko sucks in a deliberate breath. "Shuichi," she says.

Shuichi squeaks pathetically in his throat. Kokichi is now long gone, having taken up residence on the roof of a building, watching through his binoculars.

Tenko looks Shuichi in the eye and says, "If you acknowledge any gods, start praying now."

And so it was that Shuichi discovered the meaning of the word "masochism."

 

*********************************

 

Shuichi can consider himself rather lucky. Tenko usually doesn't stop the beatings until the male in question is a broken, bloody pulp. Maybe because she was feeling merciful or maybe because she knew, deep down, that Kokichi is a liar liar pants on fire, but she left Shuichi with just two flips onto the ground, a single stomp to the hallux, and a flick to the glabella. All in all, a relatively easy thrashing.

Regardless, Shuichi spent most of the day resting; he even contemplated skipping classes, but the anticipation of seeing Kaede teach spurred him to getting up. Also, Miu had made a new vibrator that she was "testing." Noisily. Right outside Shuichi's door. With a megaphone. That doubled as a voice-activated vibrator.

As he was sitting on a bench outside of the Monokuma Building for  Breaking Following the Laws, Shuichi's phone buzzed.

 

**New Group Chat**

 

**Kaede Akamatsu**

**[[** Hello, everyone! I made this so we can

discuss our plans for tonight! **]]**

 

**Kaito MoBROta**

**[[** Awwww yeeeee **]]**

**[[** gettin' our kung pho on **]]**

 

**Maki Harukawa**

**[[** If you ever say that again, we're breaking

up **]]**

 

**Kaito MoBROta**

**[[** KUNG PHO! **]]**

 

**Kaede Akamatsu**

**[[** Anyway! I was thinking we'll leave around 7 **]]**

**[[** Does that work with everyone? **]]**

 

**Kaito MoBROta**

**[[** Ye **]]**

**Me**

**[[** Works for me **]]**

**Maki Harukawa**

**[[** I am fine with that as well **]]**

**Kaede Akamatsu**

**[[** Super! **]]**

**[[** Who's driving **]]**

**Me**

**[[** I WILL **]]**

**Kaede Akamatsu**

**[[** Well okay then :P **]]**

**[[** That was easy **]]**

 

**Kaito MoBROta**

**[[** oh no, kaede no **]]**

 

**Kaede Akamatsu**

**[[** Huh? **]]**

**Me**

**[[** It's fine, Kaito **]]**

**[[** I want to drive! **]]**

**Maki Harukawa**

**[[** That's the problem **]]**

 

**Kaede Akamatsu**

**[[** I'm confused… **]]**

 

**Kaito MoBROta**

**[[** u kno **]]**

**[[** lets let kaede figure it out **]]**

 

**Maki Harukawa**

**[[** If we die, it's your fault **]]**

**Me**

**[[** So I can drive? **]]**

**Kaito MoBROta**

**[[** Ye bro **]]**

**Me**

**[[** Yes!]]

**Kaede Akamatsu**

**[[** I'm still a bit confused but w/e **]]**

**[[** Do you need Maki and I's address? **]]**

 

**Kaito MoBROta**

**[[** Ill get us ther **]]**

 

**Kaede Akamatsu**

**[[** Alrighty! **]]**

**[[** See you all tonight :)!! **]]**

 

Shuichi shut off his phone. That's not really relevant to anything. Just figured you should know so you all don't go around thinking Shuichi's some freak for walking around with his phone screen on continuously. He's a freak in other ways.

 

************************************

 

"Kaito!" Shuichi calls to his roommate. Miu is out of the apartment, so they can be as loud as they want without her barging and somehow turning the conversation sexual.

"What's up, man?" Kaito responds. He's pulling a pair of socks that are probably clean.

Shuichi steps into the hall and outstretches his arms. "How do I look?"

Kaito appraises for a moment before saying, "Like a fucking dork."

"I'm serious, Kaito!"

"So am I!" Kaito pushes Shuichi back into his room and starts rummaging through Shuichi's dresser. "A button-up tucked into black pants? Really? We're going to a hole-in-the-wall phở place, not a fucking opera." Kaito pulls out white button-up after white button-up before remembering exactly whose wardrop he's going through.

"K-Kaito, you're making a mess of my room."

"Well it's not my damn fault that you don't have any variety in your outfits!" Kaito responds. He slams the dresser drawer shut and walks over to Shuichi, clapping his hands on Shuichi's shoulders. "If you ain't got the clothes, maybe we give you the style."

Kaito undoes Shuichi's tie and throws it on the bed. He ponders a moment before unbuttoning two buttons on Shuichi's shirt. "Yeah, yeah, this is workin'. You got a good solid chest on ya, bud!"

"Uh thanks," Shuichi says, not entirely sure if that was really a compliment. After all, compared to Kaito, Shuichi was really nothing special. Kaito's smile was as infectious as Kaede's. He was tall, broad, smart (in some ways), funny. Honestly, what Kaito saw in Shuichi as a friend, he never could figure out.

"Alright, untuck!" Kaito commands.

"Huh?"

"Untuck the shirt, I wanna see what it looks like!"

Confused because he doesn't actually understand the word "fashion," Shuichi untucks his shirt. Kaito adjusts it a bit. He tosses on the tie, squints, shakes his head, and then takes the tie back off. "Missing something," he muses. His eyes trail up to Shuichi's head. "Actually… too much something." He grabs Shuichi's hat.

"H-h-hey! Kaito, stop!" Shuichi jumps for his hat, but Kaito's far too tall.

"Look man, you gotta stop hiding behind the hat. Time to let it go," Kaito says, grinning at Shuichi's plight.

Feeling his face flush, Shuichi runs his hands through his hair. There's a single lock that refuses to just, you know, be normal hair and stay down no matter how much gel he uses. "My hair looks so ridiculous, though."

Kaito just laughs. "You and Kaede got that same funny little hair thing, you'll bond over it!" Kaito, you're one to talk about funny hair. Yours literally defies physics.

… 

… 

They can't hear me? Then why'd I get in trouble for threatening Shuichi last time? Ugh, whatever.

"You sure I look okay?" Shuichi asks. There's a serious to his voice.

Kaito picks up on the tone. He grabs Shuichi by the shoulders and turns him around to face the mirror. "Look at yourself, bro. You got cool, mysterious vibe going on right now. Plus, Maki calls you cute all the time! You're like the best of both worlds!"

"She calls me cute?"

"Yes. Don't tell her I said that. Please." Kaito suddenly starts gritting his teeth and checks around for his phone before remembering that he dropped it in a fountain earlier that day. That's the sixth this year, by Shuichi's count.

"If you're sure," Shuichi says. There's a pit in his stomach. The hat has been his coping mechanism for so long. His therapist never forced him to take it off, but Kaito's not exactly a licensed mental health professional now is he? A rocket scientist, sure. Somehow. But definitely not a therapist. Shuichi looks down at the ground.

Fortunately, Kaito knows just the solution. He walks downstairs and grabs the car keys. He jingles them and Shuichi comes running.

"Time to drive, Kaito!" Shuichi practically yells, standing in the doorway.

"That's… that's what I think I like to hear!" Kaito responds,  _ really  _ not looking forward to what's about to come.

Approximately five minutes later, the two arrive at Kaede and Maki's apartment. The drive usually takes Kaito ten minutes. But more on that later. Kaito snatches Shuichi's phone and texts them.

"You ready for this man?" Kaito asks. He's in the back seat. Ostensibly it's because he wants more leg room, but Shuichi knows the real reason. He wants Kaede to sit next to Shuichi. And to "subtly" make out with Maki on the way back. They never do it on the way  _ to  _ wherever they go, only on the way  _ back.  _ Does returning to places make them horny or something? College kids, man.

Shuichi gives a weak smile and says, "Y-yeah."

"Hey don't sweat it," Kaito says, flashing his signature shit-eating grin. "This is gonna be fun! And besides, you got me and Maki to back you up whenever you need!"

"Thanks, Kaito. I really appreciate it," Shuichi says.

_ You're gonna abandon me thirty-seven minutes into to the date, you asshole _ , Shuichi thinks.

The sound of a door closing gets Kaito and Shuichi's attention. Maki leads in her usual jeans and short sleeves. Practical, easy, provides optimum ease of movement to slap Kaito on the back of the head when (not if) he says something stupid.

"Hey, babe!" Kaito calls out, waving as if the girls aren't two feet away from them.

"Hi, Kaito. Shuichi," Maki says, hopping over the door and into the car.

"Damn, Shuichi, this is a nice car!" Kaede comments.

Shuichi tries to respond, but Kaede is in a sleeveless white shirt and pink pants and her hair is done in loose curls and oh dear god does she look good.

Luckily, Kaito anticipated this and says, "Yep, my man Shuichi's got the hook-ups!"

"The hook-ups?" Maki deadpans. She grabs her arm, which is twitching to give Kaito a good slap.

"M-my uncle g-gave it to me," Shuichi says, finding his voice. "H-he had a, uh, he had a thing for convertibles."

Kaede slips into the front seat and runs her hand over the leather interior. "Huh, maybe I shouldn't have done my hair if I knew  _ this  _ was gonna be our ride!"

Shuichi panics for the briefest of moments before he sees Kaede's amazed smile and relaxes. "W-would you like me to put the roof up?"

"Oh no, not at all!" Kaede replies. "I wanna feel the wind in my hair!"

"Don't worry, you will," Maki says as she buckles seatbelt number two.

"Yeah, Kaede, you better strap in." Kaito mimics Maki and contemplates whether to use the lap seatbelt as well. 

"Well yeah." Kaede reaches to grab her seatbelt and finds two of them. "Huh? Why are there two of them?"

Shuichi's eyes lock on the road and his fingers curl around the steering wheel.

"Shit, he's getting in the zone," Kaito says. "Kaede, put both seatbelts on. Like now!"

"Okay, okay!" Kaede says, flustered. "Okay, done. Now why am I doing this?"

Shuichi's foot idles over the gas. It twitches. Wants to press down. Now. Press down now!

"Lean back," Maki orders. Kaede obliges and Maki's strong hands grab Kaede's shoulders.

"Uh…" Kaede… says? Sputters? Tries to say? Intones? Hell if I know. "Uh…" Kaede uhs. 

Kaito leans forward as best he can strapped in as he is. "Shuichi, you remember the address right?"

Shuichi licks his lips and nods almost imperceptibly.

"Alright, then let's go." Kaito throws himself back in his seat and braces himself.

"WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!" Shuichi yells as he absolutely fucking floors the pedal. Screeching tires tear down the pavement of the quiet little college apartment complex.

You see, Shuichi has this thing. He likes to drive like a maniac. He shouldn't really have his license, but so far no cop has had the balls to chase after him. Self-preservation and all that. Maki and Kaito are experienced in this and know how to handle it.

Kaede, on the other hand, does not.

"What the hell?!" she screams but her screams are lost in the wind whipping past her face. Everything except the road directly ahead of her is a blur. The speedometer reads somewhere over one-hundred and they're not even on the highway yet.

Suddenly, a person is in the middle of the road. Shuichi plows straight into them. Now, because when Shuichi drives he makes physics his bitch, the person doesn't get hurt or even particularly care that they just got hit. Instead, they simply roll over the front and settle in nicely between Maki and Kaito in the back seat.

Kaede tries to turn her head to look at the person but she's stuck to the headrest with the sheer g-force. That's right, Shuichi's pulling g's going in a straight line.

Buildings and billboards and trees all become one giant abstract painting and Shuichi just keeps going faster and faster. "Shuichi, Shuichi! Slow down, please!" Kaede yells.

But Shuichi isn't listening. His face has an intensity that Kaede's never seen before. "Around the world and home again,  _ that's  _ the driver's way!" Shuichi yells back.

"That… that doesn't make any sense!" Kaede shrieks. Another bump and another person flies into the backseat, right onto Kaito's lap.

Maki glares at him. "You better not get any bright ideas," she says casually. As if she's  _ not  _ going one-hundred-thirty-seven miles per hour on a disturbingly empty street for this time of night and continuously hitting random pedestrians.

Kaito doesn't say anything. Good call, Kaito.

"Shuichi!" Kaede yells. She's surprised she hasn't gotten any bugs or rocks or anything in her face. Which, looking at it realistically, is probably the least of her concerns.

Out of nowhere, Shuichi starts singing in an eerie monotone.

"There's no earthly way of knowing  
Which direction we are going  
There's no knowing where we're rowing  
Or which way the road's a flowing  
Is it raining? Is it snowing?  
Is a hurricane a blowing?"

Suddenly, his voice becomes tense and alarmed. Kaede wants the hell off this ride. Another bump and this time the person lands on the center console. 7/10, nice execution in the impact but a poor landing, really. Kaede can see it's a woman and she's scantily dressed.

The woman looks at Kaede and smiles. "Hey, sweetie, you new here?"

Kaede looks past her and yells at Shuichi, "Are these hookers?!"

Shuichi just keeps on singing.

"Not a speck of light is showing  
So the danger must be growing  
Are the fires of hell a glowing?  
Is the grizzly reaper mowing?  
YES! The danger must be growing  
For the driver keeps on going  
AND I'M CERTAINLY NOT SHOWING  
ANY SIGNS THAT I AM SLOWING!!!!"

"Shuichi, stop, this ride's gone on long enough!" Kaede screams so loud her voice is hoarse.

"You're absolutely right, Kaede!" Shuichi shouts. "Stopping the car!" He slams on the brakes. Which somehow doesn't send the car careening forward and instead it glides perfectly into a spot between a sensible SUV and a motorcycle someone bought in the middle of a mid-life crisis. Because remember, Shuichi doesn't care about physics.

"Hey, thanks for the lift, hun!" says one of the hookers as they all climb out of the car.

Shuichi smiles and waves. "See ya, Sparkle, Cookie, Bobbi Tulip!" They all wave back and head off to their corner for the night.Honest work, sex work. Respect your local sex workers, kids. Er... respect your local sex workers, responsible, legal, consenting adults.

Unbuckling their seatbelts, Kaito and Maki hop out of the car as if nothing happened. Only Kaede remains, her breath still a few miles back and her eyes wide in shock. "What… just happened…?"

Shuichi blushes and tries to go for his hat, but it's not there. "Oh, I, uh, sorry… I just… I'm sorry."

Kaede fixes Shuichi with a blank stare. "You…" she says. "You drove hundreds of miles in through residential neighborhoods, slammed into prostitutes who somehow didn't die, sang like a maniac a song that I  _ swear  _ I've heard before, all without warning me, and all you say is 'sorry'?"

Shuichi bites his lip and nods.

"Oh, okay then!" Kaede chirps. "Let's eat, I'm starving!" She unbuckles and gets out of the car, leaving Shuichi in a state of shock.

Kaito moves to Shuichi's side of the car and claps his shoulder. "See? I told you everything would be alright!"

Shuichi just nods hollowly and gets out of the car. Usually people run screaming once they get out of his car. But not Kaede, no, she was into it. Just like Kaito and Maki and Kokichi and… well just about all of his friends. And Kokichi.

Maki and Kaede chat idly outside of the restaurant while Shuichi and Kaito approach. Kaede smiles as them - and Shuichi likes to think just a bit brighter at him - and says. "You ready guys?

"Hell yeah!" Kaito bellows. "Let's get our kung phở  on!"

Maki slaps him. "There's more where that came from.

Shuichi just chuckles and looks at Kaede. Her hair stayed in those lovely curls despite the death-defying ride and her eyes hold the same light and-

Okay, hold up. I didn't mention it before, but Kaede's shirt is low cut. And I'm sick of always having to pretend that Shuichi's not looking at her tits. He's a guy for fuck's sake! All he does is ogle and objectify. And yet apparently I can't make sexual comments or else I get fired.

… 

… 

No, I will not be quiet, I will proclaim this loud and proud to the world: SHUICHI SAIHARA IS A-

 

-Chapter ended due to secrets being exposed-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To assuage some concerns, this will not become a sad, angsty fic. Probably. So don't be alarmed. This fic is just for fun and out of the norm for what I usually do, so it's quite refreshing to write! Especially compared to my pretentious, philosophical pile of angst that is 16x3 ;_;
> 
> Anywho, I hope we're all having fun! Thank you all for your lovely comments and kind words!
> 
> Next chapter, the epic date that will go perfectly well with absolutely no chance of comedic mishappenings!


	3. Kaito Momota: Ultimate Wingman

"Hello, you bastards, welcome to  Phở Sapa, the first stop for all of your phở needs," greets a duochrome teddy bear that can't actually see above the table. So he's just staring at Kaito's fine, fine legs.

"Uh…" says Fine Leg Boy.

"Oh I get it," replies the bear, putting its hands on its hips. "You all don't actually have any money."

"N-no," Kaede replies. "It's just…"

"I swear, if everyone of you bastard college kids come in here and ask for food for the po', I'd go out of business!" The bear swirls on spot so fast that a tornado is about to form if not for the timely intervention of a busty blonde chick.

"Oh poopoo, Mr. Monokuma, just go back into the kitchen and toss yourself into the broth!" the girl says.

"Is that a threat, Ms. Junko?"

Suddenly acting all cute, Junko says, "You bet your little bear tushy it is!"

"Oh, just making sure!" He then flits to back room, but not before beating one of his children. Remember, child abuse is only funny when it involves cartoon bears.

"Hey, can, like, someone take our order?" asks Fine Leg Boy.

Junko's sad now. Everyone feel bad for Junko. And call a drug dealer. Shrooms grow from this girl's head! "I guess… Do you have any questions before you order?"

Fine Leg Boy smiles and says, "Yes, actually. So… what is Phở?

There are moments of stupidity that are so profound, so immense, that words cannot describe them. Maki can usually see these moments coming and Shuichi is getting pretty good at it, too. And yet, somehow, some way, Kaito manages to still surprise everyone in existence by continually upping the ante for stupid comments.

"Kaito… you… you don't know what phở is?" Shuichi asks.

Kaito, who's puffing his chest out like he's actually goddamn proud of his low IQ, responds, "Nope! I was just kinda along for the ride."  
"You were the one who suggested this!" Maki says, incredulous. She can feel the stress migraine ready to form. 

"I know!" Kaito is still smiling. Again, he seems proud of this non-accomplishment.

Junko, who has decided to go through her punk rock phase, suddenly slams her hands down on the table and flicks her tongue in the air. "Listen up you fuckfaces, I don't have all fucking day, so order or I'm gonna fucking use your bones for broth!"

Everyone ordered the daily special only because it was the smallest amount of time they could spend speaking to the volatile girl. Except Kaito. Kaito ordered like thirty different appetizers and a bottle of wine. Because he still hasn't realized anything is wrong with this situation yet. Also, he stole Miu's credit card so dinner's on her.

Once Junko disappeared, everyone released the breath they were holding. Except Shuichi, that is. He passed out due to having the lung capacity of an obese toddler who chain-smokes and was born with a lung defect. After spending about thirty seconds waking him up (because Maki always carries smelling salts for… reasons), the group begins chatting lightly about unimportant topics.

"So I recently killed Poseidon, King of Atlantis. So if the seas start trying to kill us all, you know why," Maki mentions.

"I just hate that Professor Bitch is gonna be out for so long," Kaede says. "It's not like she's an assassin that has to travel the world or anything!"

Shuichi sighs "The police chief assigned to my class is a fat, corrupt, man with yellow skin and a child who failed English seventeen times in a row. I thought that was unpossible!"

Kaito picks at a scab on his nose from where Maki stabbed him with a serrated, twelve inch hunting knife. I know that sounds bad, but it was consensual. Don't kinkshame. "I almost walked into the test rocket launch the university was performing. Almost went into space."

So yeah, casual conversation. Nothing special.

As the date thingy continues, Shuichi feels himself relax. Kaito's natural charisma coupled with Kaede's charm puts him at ease. There's a flow to the conversation and the constant stream of food that Kaito ordered means that whenever Shuichi is particularly out of things to say, he can just shove food in his face.

However, thirty-seven minutes into the date, just as Shuichi predicted, Kaito makes his move.

Kaito glances at his watch and (probably) feigns surprise. "Shit, I forgot!"

"Everything alright?" Kaede asks.

He turns to Maki. "Hey, Maki Roll, I have a surprise for you."

Maki rolls her eyes. "If it's another autographed picture of you shirtless, I'm using it for kindling.

Kaede taps Shuichi's shoulder and leans in close to his ear. She whispers, "She has all of the posters he's given her in a locked drawer."

Shuichi has to suppress a laugh as Maki shoots him a suspicious glare. Fortunately, Kaito swoops in. "I got us two movie tickets to see Men in Off-White Eggshell 2!" From his infamous purple jacket, he produces two tickets and Maki's eyes grow wide. A blush creeps along her cheeks.

"I… I thought they were sold out," she stammers, running a hand through her long hair. Still running. The hand is still going. Stillllllll going. She has a lot of hair. Okay, the hand has made it.

Kaito's smile takes on a cheeky aura. "Let's just say I know a guy and he pulled a few strings." He winks conspiratorially.

Maki reaches to take the tickets but yanks her hand back. "You didn't steal this from a child, did you?"

"Would… would it be different if he stole it from an adult?" Shuichi asks.

"Yes, I wouldn't care," Maki replies, nonplussed. Shuichi shuts his trap. Maki reaches out again but, again, pulls back. "You didn't suck anyone's dick for this, did you?"

"Maki!" Kaede chastises, but it's undercut by a spew of giggles.

Kaito's back straightens and he suddenly looks very uncomfortable. "Come on, M-Maki Roll, you think I'd do something like th-that?!"

Maki's mouth twists into a painful looking, confused expression. "I was kidding… but now I'm not sure."

"Can we move on from this? I got you the tickets, okay?" Kaito shouts, causing several nearby restaurant-goers to turn their heads in confusion. At least one is filming it. Most likely more. It's Kokichi. And Korekiyo. And Gonta. Gonta's not quite sure what's going on

Maki finally takes the tickets and rubs her thumb over them. "Kaito… thank you, I-" She squints at the tickets. "Do these say the movie starts in ten minutes?"

Standing up and pulling on Maki's sleeve, Kaito says, "Yeahhhhh, I kinda… forgot when we scheduled this thing!" He hits his fists together in what can only be assumed to be his power-enhancing stance. "But don't worry, if we run we can just get to the theater!"

"She already left," Kaede points out.

Indeed, the door to the shop closes and Maki is jogging down the street towards the theater. Love is no match for questionable-quality sequels, it seems.

"H-Hey! Maki Roll!" Kaito calls out before dashing towards the exit. However, as he passes by Shuichi, the two make eye contact and in that moment, everything Shuichi thought was confirmed.

Kaito is an asshole. A friendly asshole. But an asshole.A bleached asshole, if you 

will. Shuichi is  _ so  _ telling Miu that Kaito likes women who masturbate to Shrek memes later tonight.

But right now, Shuichi is attempting not to freak the fuck out. He's sitting next to Kaede. The girl he has a massive crush on. The girl who was not anticipating this to turn into a real date. The girl who's probably about to realize how awkward it is that they're sitting next to each other instead of across from each other which increases the awkwardness rating by exactly 32.961 percent per minute in the position!

Luckily, she realizes none of that. Instead, she realizes that Kaito was going to pay for all the food. "Hey!" Kaede says, turning in her seat. "Kaito was going to pay for all the food!"

Shuichi then realizes that Kaito was going to pay for all the food. "Kaito was going to pay for all the food!" he says.

Junko shows up with four big bowls of phở and looks...cartoony. "Kaito wash going ta paysh for all da foodsh?!" she cries, throwing two of the bowls off of the tray and onto a nice tourist couple that definitely aren't Kokichi and Korekiyo spying. No really, they aren't. Kokichi and Korekiyo are sitting  _ next  _ to the couple. That couple was just trying to enjoy a nice Japanese twist on a classic Vietnamese dish and now they have second degree burns. Oh well.

Kaede looks at Junko with pleading eyes. "Is there some way we can pay later? I promise we're good for it."

Mushroom Junko shrugs. "I don't care really." She sets the two remaining bowls of phở down. Coincidentally, they're exactly what Kaede and Shuichi ordered. Which isn't saying much considering everyone got the same thing.

Mushroom Junko transforms into "Normal" Junko who laughs haughtily. "Besides, seeing you in such despair has made me wanna pay for such a show. It's on the house!"

Mildly confused, Kaede and Shuichi keep quiet until Junko walks away. After several, long, painful moments, Kaede looks at Shuichi and smiles. "Well, if it's free, might as well eat!"

"Y-yeah," Shuichi responds, grabbing his chopsticks.

The phở is, perhaps surprisingly, decent. Nothing particularly mind blowing, but it's still better than what Shuichi expected of a pint-sized bear with too many issues to count. He manages to grab a clump of noodles and begins slurping.

Kaede notices this and appears to take this as some sort of challenge to assert dominance. Not that she really has to considering her opponent is the beta-ist of betas.

Nevertheless, she slurps, a little louder. Here's a written demonstration of their impromptu competition:

Slurp.

SLUrp

SLURP

SLUUUUURRRP

SLUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRP

SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP

SSSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

SLL-ugh, oh dear Atua, save me… (Shuichi accidentally slurped up his chopstick at this point. Once it was out, our boy kept slurping.) SLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

SLURP MOTHERFRICKING SLURP

SLUUYUGIUAG(U&FSH*GHEUGBUWHBEHJIUWBHGNWP

As this is occurring, Kokichi and Korekiyo are having an intellectual debate about the cultural significance of slurping contests. Okay so it's more useless commentary than debate. Either way, Gonta still doesn't know what's going on. But the chairs are too small for him and his poor bum is  _ really  _ starting to ache.

"This contest is truly a demonstration of beauty," Korekiyo says, holding his arms out like he's a priest. "The sophistication, the technique, it's all so wonderful!"

"Go roomie!" Kokichi shouts. "Beat that silly man-stealer?"

"Man-stealer?"

Kokichi pouts in his seat and stops trying to sneak habañeros into Gonta's phở. "She's so clearly taking Shuichi's heart!"

"Away from whom?"

"Gonta confused," Gonta says, confused. "How did Korekiyo eat all his phở without taking off his mouth?"

Korekiyo's eyes narrow. "Some secrets, Gonta, must never be revealed." Subtly, he hides the straw running from his sleeve, beneath his mask and to his mouth.  _ No one must know.  _

As if Gonta hadn't spoken, Kokichi continues, "Away from me!"

Korekiyo's eyes widen. "I was not aware you two were in that sort of relationship."

"Stop telling people we're dating!" Shuichi shouts. He then proceeds to go back to his slurping contest and conveniently forgets that Kokichi and co. are even there. 

"Can we go? Gonta has to feed his bugs," the entomologist says. Kokichi and Korekiyo agree to leave because no one can say no to such a wonderful cinnamon roll as Gonta. He's so pure. It'd be such a shame if he died a tragic death due to a crime that he had no recollection of even committing. But that could never happen.

Back at the slurping table, the two ran out of phở a while ago, so they started slurping various appetizers. They choked. As expected. Deciding that perhaps such a contest was detrimental to their health, Shuichi and Kaede lay down their chopsticks.

"Well that was yummy!" Kaede chirps, rubbing her belly.

Shuichi nods and the dreadful, the terrifying, the mind-numbingly horrifying awkward silence takes over. Not really, but Shuichi read somewhere that if you let silence go for longer than six seconds, it indicates you're done speaking and he's definitely  _ not  _ done speaking (not that he's started, either) because Kaede's such a delight to talk to and he wants to keep the conversation going but he does not excel in long conversations and…

"Shuichi," Kaede says, softly. She's leaning forward, a gentle smile on her face.

"H-huh?" Shuichi fiddles with the dirty end of his chopsticks.

"You look really tense, would you like to go?"

_ Whyyyyyy?! Why are you so wonderful and empathetic and gah!  _ Shuichi thinks. "A-ah! Sure…" he says.

Leaving the table an absolute mess of half-eaten appetizers, excessively slurped noodle dishes, and more than a few unidentifiable masses, Kaede and Shuichi walk out into the warmly lit pavilion that houses the shop. Kaede takes care to grab the unopened bottle of wine that probably wasn't supposed to be comped. There's laws and such against that.

After depositing their contraband in Shuichi's car, the duo walk around for a bit, casually commenting on this and that and that other thing, but not  _ that _ , and most certainly not  _ this _ . In the distance, the neon luminescence of movie theater lights shine over the multitude of closed shops.

"Hey, Shuichi, can we sit down?" Kaede asks. "My feet are starting to hurt."

Shuichi says no and that Kaede needs to learn to toughen up.

…

Shuichi nods his head and they find a nearby bench that overlooks a small, well-kept garden. Kaede sits and takes off one of her low heels, rubbing her foot. "You're lucky," she says, "Boys don't have to wear these things."

Not realizing that he's supposed to agree with Kaede when she says things like this, Shuichi says, "I guess you d-don't  _ have  _ to wear them." Kaede pouts and turns away. "I-I… What'd I s-say?!" It's okay, Shuichi, you can only improve from here.

Fortunately, Kaede doesn't keep up her faux-anger for long. She just shakes her head and says, "Maybe Tenko's right about you boys."

Shuichi instinctively jerks his arms up in a protective motion. Seeing that Tenko is nowhere to be found he lets his guard down. But Tenko's there, she's just hidden. Whenever there's a girl with a suspicious boy, Tenko is  _ always  _ ready. That, and she had to pick up more glue after Himiko used all hers to patch up her latest magic spell. Serendipitous, really. Still, she's fully ready to kick Shuichi's ass if he so much as lays a hand on Kaede!!!

Anywho, Shuichi leans against a light fixture, probably trying to be suave. It groans with his weight so he immediately hops back, only to land on a perfectly innocent petunia. It groans with pleasure so Shuichi and Kaede rightfully find a new bench to sit on because that's weird.

"What time is it? I left my phone in your car," Kaede says.

Pulling out his phone, Shuichi reads off, "10:34."

Kaede looks down the street towards the theater. "Kaito and Maki should be finishing their movie soon, then."

"Yeah, I guess."

"You guess?" Kaede shimmies closer to where Shuichi is standing. "I thought you were gonna be a detective, what are you doing guessing for?"

"I-I… uh, well…"  _ Shit shit shit, think, be witty. What would Kaito do?  _ Shuichi momentarily thinks about taking off his shirt and going into an inspiring speech. That's clearly a bad idea and Shuichi realizes that Maki has very weird taste in men. Deciding to just be himself, Shuichi continues, "B-based on the evidence, it makes sense."

Kaede's eyes flash. "Evidence, Mr. Detective? What evidence?" She grins.

"Based on the time frame between when the two of them left, the average duration of action-comedy movies, and what time it is now.  _ That  _ evidence." Shuichi tugs on his shirt. He does in such a manner that I will use an adverb that I didn't think I'd ever use to describe him: He did it  _ confidently. _

"That makes sense, thank you for that  _ wonderful _ explanation," Kaede says, voice dripping with exaggeration. She winks at Shuichi and giggles.

Though the darkness hides his blush, Shuichi jerks his head towards the road, shoving his hands in his pockets as he does so.

As if summoned by Shuichi's power of deduction and Kaede's powers of assisting the male protagonist in his character development (a power shared by many female deuteragonists), Kaito and Maki walk down the street.

Now, when I say "walk," I mean Maki is carrying Kaito because he got drunk on movie theater wine and that boy can _ not  _ handle his booze, no matter how overpriced.

"Hey," Maki greets.

"Hurgh…" Kaito greets.

"Kaito, you hanging in there?" Shuichi asks, circling around Maki. He squats down to look at Kaito's face.

"I'm...I'm… yeah, I'm," Kaito says. Admittedly, "says" is probably being generous.

"He saw there was a sale on his favorite red," Maki explains. She hefts him on her shoulder. "I think he's probably maxed Miu out."

"We should get him back home," Kaede says.

"Oh God… the car…" Kaito groans.

Maki pats his back and says, "You'll be fine. I had Kazuichi install straps in the trunk for you."

Flashing a weak thumbs up, Kaito says, "Thanks, bab-hur!"

"Let's get him back before he vomits all over my dress."

After managing to strap Kaito into the trunk, the group is on the road. Shuichi is still a madman, the manic smile on his face being a clear indicator, but there's no hookers this time around. Maki thinks she sees a cop with his lights on but Shuichi's driving so fast that time is literally warping around them so it was probably from like last week or something.

Shuichi swerves into a empty parking space. It  _ wasn't  _ empty but the car that was in the spot is now in the ditch that borders the parking lot. Now how'd that get there? Maki hops out of the car and retrieves a very nearly comatose Kaito.

"He's staying with us?" Kaede says, uncertain.

Maki hums. "Last time he got like this, Miu tried to force a, quote, 'drunk-ass-motherfucker cure' down his throat." She pinches the bridge of her nose. "He couldn't get out of bed for a week."

"That...that was not a good week," Shuichi says, a shiver running up his spine at the memory.

"In that case…" Kaede turns to Shuichi. "Do you mind if I crash on your couch for tonight? I promise I won't be a burden."

For probably the millionth time tonight, Shuichi blushes.  _ How the hell do I answer this?  _ He wonders. On the one hand, you don't say "no" to a crush asking if they can stay over at your place. Not even because of the sex aspect -we all know Shuichi ain't getting any, yet- but because it's just plain rude. On the other hand, he doesn't want to seem like a creep taking advantage of the situation. On his third, mutant hand emerging from his belly button, Miu Iruma.

"Wh-what's wrong with staying here?" Shuichi says, gripping the wheel tightly. As much as he'd love for Kaede to stay the night, the pit in his gut is telling him to at least  _ try  _ to decline.

Kaede bites her lip and glances at Kaito. "You… you know how loud Kaito is when he's sick." She tucks her hair behind her ear. "And I have really good hearing."

Maki interjects, "One time Kaito had food poisoning over here. Kaede didn't get a wink of sleep. Which, in turn, kept me up." She makes deadly eye contact with Shuichi. "And I  _ like  _ my sleep."

Okie dokie then. When Maki gets threatening it's time to agree with her. "In that case, uh, sure you can stay."

Kaede smiles, clearly relieved. "Thanks, I can crash on the couch or something." She gets out of the car. "Lemme just grab some stuff for the night, 'kay?"

She dashes off and disappears into the apartment complex. Maki looks at Shuichi and says, "I'm gonna go make sure she remembers her medicine, watch this for me."

"Wait, what?" Shuichi says but it's too late as Maki unceremoniously dumps Kaito on the asphalt.

"Muuuuuuurrrrrkkkkyyyyy…" He groans.

Shrugging, Maki walks into the apartment as well. As soon as the door slams shut, Kaito launches himself upwards, all traces of drunkenness gone.

"Kaito! You're…" Shuichi stammers. "What the hell?"

Kaito grins slyly and sticks his tongue out between his teeth. "Don't ever say I never did nothing for ya, bro."

Realization smacks Shuichi like a sack of potatoes that were grown around bricks made of steel that was forged using solid mass as its base. "You planned this?!" Shuichi hisses.

"You bet your ass I did!" Kaito responds, glancing towards the door.

"Is Maki in on this?!"

"Uh…sure…" Kaito anxiously looks at the windows, freezing when he thinks he sees the curtains move. Fortunately, it's not Maki, just a murderous spirit that's been tracking him since he was a little kid.

Shuichi lightly rams his head against the steering wheel. "Why? Why would you put me in this situation?"

Clapping his roommate on the back, Kaito says, "This way you get to spend more time with her!" He wraps his arm all the way around Shuichi's shoulders and pushes his cheek against Shuichi's. "Think about it, you guys can watch a movie, eat some junk, then she'll get all sleepy and doze off, leaning against you in the process. Boom! Romance!" Kaito looks at Shuichi for approval, but all he gets is deadpan disbelief.

"And Miu? What's she gonna say?"

"To be honest, I didn't factor her in my calculations."

"Of course you didn't." Shuichi escapes from Kaito's clutches. "Look, we're telling them you're not drunk and we're going home."

All the color immediately drains from Kaito's face. "Shuichi, please, no. If Maki finds out that I lied like this she  _ will actually murder me _ ! Like permanently!" He drops to his knees outside the car. "So come on, if you don't do it for you, do it for me, please!"

Shuichi regards Kaito cooly. "Is… is it healthy to have this much fear of your girlfriend?"

"To be honest, bro, I find it kinda hot. So yeah, I'd say so!" Realizing that he just gave Shuichi an out, Kaito quickly follows with, "But still, I don't want to be dead, so just, please!" He flashes Shuichi big, sad kitty eyes that are… surprisingly cute.

Crumbling, Shuichi sighs. "Fine, Kaito, fine. But you owe me big time!"

"Anything, bro, anything! Besides, this is all for you anyway and-"

"They're coming back."

"Urgh!!!" Kaito melodramatically grunts, slumping over the car door. He genuinely looks as if he's about to puke.

"What the hell happened?" Maki says, eyes narrow. Shuichi kinda hopes it's just her default angry stare and not her suspicious angry stare.

"He-he, uh, tried to get up," Shuichi replies, not looking at Maki. "You can see, uh, how well that turned out."

"Murky!" Kaito moans and manages to convincingly "fall" at Maki's feet.

Rolling her eyes, Maki gets Kaito to his feet. "I'm gonna take him inside and get him to bed before anything else happens. I'll see you two tomorrow." With that, Maki drags Kaito into the apartment.

_ He's got a long night ahead of him,  _ Shuichi thinks before turning his attention to Kaede. She's changed into a baggy sweatshirt and leggings, her hair pinned into a loose bun. Clutched to her chest is her limited edition, B-Boy Mozart 420 Yolo Swag TM  backpack.

"Thanks so much for this, Shuichi," Kaede says, getting into the car.

Anxiety bubbles in Shuichi's… everything. "Are you sure you don't wanna stay here? I do live with Miu." He's pulling out all the stops. 

Kaede, however, just giggles and says, "It's fine. I know how she is."

Swallowing hard, Shuichi puts the car in reverse and warps the space-time continuum back to his house.

It's gonna be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. It's 4 in the morning. I have to teach seventh graders in 4 hours. I'm not funny. This is shit. Why did I write this? I'm an attention whore. Why do I love writing this so much?
> 
> It's finals time. And mid-year evaluations time. I needed this. Even if it's not funny.
> 
> Oh well. As a wise man once said, "Fuck it."


End file.
